I think 2013 might be the year of my spiritual awakening/ meltdown.
Funny how these coincide, eh?
Over this past year in seminary I have become startingly more aware of my feelings.
My feelings overwhelm me.
Darkness does even more.
Maybe that’s where the spiritual warfare comes in. As I am drawing closer to Jesus, I am coming closer to becoming more fully human. Being more fully human involves emotions and knowing the wide range of them.
Scary. Ambiguous. Place. Those feelings can leave you at.
I find that without Christ, I cannot make it though.
Because in the ambiguity, my critical narrator creeps into my story. And he changes the story around by telling me irrational deceptions based in facts.
And I am brought low. I am generally depressed, but in that place, I struggle the most.
Because I feel the full assault on my person.
I have not been diagnosed, but I have thought for awhile that I could have dysthymia. That is a chronic, mild depression that leaves you with fatigue, low energy, low motivation, and low self-esteem. I think it is just always present and I spend every day fighting the depression. I use everything from prayer to vitamins to healthy food to being with friends to counseling to journaling to exercise to cooking to being outdoors. You get the idea. I make myself DO A LOT to overcome something that makes me not want to do anything. Phew.
So what if I have a bad day? What then?
On bad days, I don’t beat back against the effects of the Fall through my routine of remedies. On bad days, it’s like I have a bully beating me down and immobilizing me through fear.
I can try to read, I can try to be with people without being a total drag, but really, sometimes the best thing to do is to mourn.
I have lost count of how many times I have cried over the past few days. I have been insensitive to people. I have been difficult. I have been negative. And you know, I just have to mourn.
To acknowledge how cruel my reality is I need to actually FEEL how sad I am.
The difference between me now and a year ago (when I was just as sad) is now, more aware, I feel how sad I am.
I am aware of the days I am the most down. I know when I feel hopeless.
Being aware of it is part of the battle. And mourning is good.
David always mourned his sadness, and he mourned his distance from God. And he plead to the Lord to show His face.
Some days I only function rightly if I spend time crying. If instead of attempting to have fun (but really having a bad time), I just sit at the feet of my daddy weep.
From 6th grade I remember one of the first times I was bullied. I was devastated that anyone could be so cruel, and I was even more crushed when I realized I believed them. I ran home from the bus stop, swung open the front door and immediately ran into my bathroom to weep. I sat there, my head on the bathtub, immobilized by fear and pain, but just crying.
All I knew to do in that moment was cry. My dad, hearing my cries, stepped into that little room and comforted me. He told me I was lovely and refuted the lies I heard at school. In my dad’s eyes, I was not doing anything wrong by crying. I was just allowed to feel my pain, in my father’s presence.
Satan is a bully. And when he gets me down, it’s just like I am in the 6th grade again. I believe things about myself that are irrational and then the depression sets in, and I can do nothing!
But I can cry and I can mourn. And I can be with God, and feel the comfort and love of Him being my Father.